Welcome to another fun filled edition of the Wrath of Tito, the column that's a dish best served cold. Today, we'll discuss various issues in professional wrestling, along with reviewing RAW. I did catch Vengeance on the replay during Tuesday night. I must say, that was a good wrestling show, probably the best of 2003. Guerrero vs. Benoit was solid, and I think they could do more the next time they wrestle. Rey/Kidman vs. Haas/Benjamin featured some great tag action, as both teams are very experienced in the art of tag team wrestling. The main event was pretty good. Big Show wasn't all that embarrassing, as I kinda liked the double team moves he'd either do or take from Angle and Lesnar. Big Show seems to be heavier, as evidence from that match.
The rest of the show... Well... I find it funny that Billy Gunn can make his moves look great with a lighter wrestler. Then, when you get a wrestler his equal size or larger, and he can't do his power moves for a shit. At least Noble got the win on a Pay Per View, although I thought the payoff was pathetic on Smackdown. The McMahon matches SUCKED. Zach Gowen... I'm not going to stand up and cheer for Zach because he has only one leg. Why bother? The WWE wants me to pity him, so they milk his disability to the max, especially having him wrestle with one leg for the most part. Sable vs. Stephanie was pathetic, and having Albert attack Stephanie was puzzling. It's getting stupid. The barfight was seriously stupid, as the APA are already stale upon return. YEEEE HAAAAWW, we're two big beer drinking rednecks who can brawl! Big deal. Bradshaw needs to get a better haircut, while Faarooq should retire, given that he's already limited in the ring anyway due to his age.
Smackdown featured some good midcard wrestling, namely Tajiry vs. Guerrero and Rey vs. Benjamin. When it's free, it's more enjoyable. However, the "shock" of the mystery tag team of Albert/Big Show was so pathetic on how predictable that was. And add to that, it wasn't much of a match between them and Lesnar/Angle. I crap on the Lesnar vs. Vince match, just like I took a gigantic #2 on Sable vs. Stephanie, Eric Bischoff vs. Shane, and Vince McMahon vs. Zach Gowen. And you want to know why?
We're surrounded by McMahons! The McMahons are seriously full of themselves right now, and I don't know why. I mean, their company is losing money, yet they feel that they are the ones who are either keeping the ratings from slipping any further OR they feel that their participation on the shows will eventually increase ratings. Please. With Vince McMahon, the EVIL Boss gimmick is so overdone. It ran its course in 1999 when he started up the Austin vs. Vince feud again, and Vince just simply doesn't have that attention drawing ability he once had. Stephanie is one who promised that she'd see less television time than ever. What happens? She's on Smackdown a good bit, and she's also wrestling in matches now. FULL OF HERSELF! And now, as if it couldn't get any worse, Shane shows up on RAW to defend his mother and attack Kane. He's acting as a wrestler again, meaning a giant is selling moves for a regular human being, once again. Linda is the only one I don't mind because she's only here maybe 3 or 4 times a year, and she usually something relatively important to say when she's there.
I've said it a billion times in my time as Mr. Tito since late 1998. Let the WRESTLERS do the entertaining. Have some faith in your performers instead of yourselves. You, the McMahons, are NOT wrestlers. No matter how much training you take to learn how to take a bump, you're still not a wrestler. You didn't go through the system for years to get noticed. You don't wrestle 200 times a year. You don't wrestle through injuries like real wrestlers do. You are management, and as responsible owners of the WWE, why not get together and figure out WHAT THE FANS WANT instead of figuring out how much television time you'd like this week. It's so simple, but since the McMahons love themselves, they'll be blind to appealing to the fans who put money in their pockets.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't doubt that Triple H is FAKING his "groin injury". I don't doubt it, whatsoever. Triple H has been RAW World Champion for the longest time, and in this era of short title reigns, you could argue that HHH has held the title for too long (I'd argue that holding the title for too long has hurt the WWE, but that's another column). Just saying, maybe some members of the booking team want to try to run with Bill Goldberg as champion, so out of no where, Triple H hurts his vagina and BAM, the Summerslam main event changes to an Elimination Chamber! This is a match gimmick that badly failed at Survivor Series 2002, but yet, we'll try it again and think it will increase buyrates. Wrong! You could suggest that the match was made to protect Triple H's injury, for he wouldn't have to do much in this match. While this is true, what's wrong with a simple one on one match? I mean, the WWE allocated their wrestlers before on the duel brand Pay Per Views. But now they clusterfuck everybody into one match, and it WILL disappoint. If Triple H is hurt, then what's wrong with having Bill Goldberg squashing him for the title and giving him time off? By the time Triple H was healed, he wouldn't have lost his heat from the title loss to Goldberg. Unless the groin is torn like the Undertaker in late 1999, why can't Triple H just suck it up and wrestle?
By the way, looking at the LoP headlines, I couldn't help but LAUGH at the MLW or Major League Wrestling television preview. Their main event was Mike Awesome vs. Steve Corino. Yipee, let's keep reliving ECW, everybody! According to their "fighters" section, they have Steve Corino, Mike Awesome, Sabu, Sandman, Terry Funk, Masato Tanaka, Jerry Lynn, Francine, Bill Alfonzo, and Joey Styles is announcing. ECW style wrestling is sooo 1990's, and you see where that style of wrestling gave those wrestlers. Come on guys, get out of the past. Trying to relive old ECW won't take your federation far, even if you seem to pop a few boners with local television stations. I dare MLW to get coverage in the Pittsburgh area. I'd LOVE it, and I'd love to rip your federation apart from being the big and fat ECW clone that you are.
Congrats to the Willygoat Valley Wrestling for a great show on Sunday. Sure, it's backyard wrestling and they aren't trained professionals, but they put on a more entertaining show than the WWE has lately. I ate that shit up with a spoon on how entertaining and fun it was to attend!
On to RAW...
Our first match was Rene Dupree vs. Bubba Dudley. This wasn't too bad, as we have the best members of the tag teams wrestling here. I'd rather not see another Dudley Tag Team Title reign by the way, given how stale and repetitive their act has become since reuniting. A good writing staff would put a spin or twist on their characters, but where is that in the WWE? Short match and that flag staff missed by a mile.
The next match of the night was Randy Orton vs. Scott Steiner. Seeing Orton rip on Stacy makes me wonder what a pairing of Stacy and Orton would do? Not much of a match, as you're pitting a youngster against a stiff moving veteran. By the way, is that feud with Test over yet? Geesh, I'm tired of seeing it already, as there's no payoff when it comes to Test feuds, I suppose. Although it was tainted, at least Orton got the win, I suppose.
You know, I never knew you could get away with having S.H.I.T. on a piece of paper, thanks to the periods in between and after the letters. Never knew it.
We had another short match in Hurricane vs. Christian. I understand that everyone just got back from a flight, but have SOME length to the matches. You mean they can't go at least 5 minutes? Christian won the match and wants more after the match. That makes Super Hero in Training or Rosey to come down, dressed as Captain Chaos from the movie "Cannonball Run". You don't want to mess with "Him". Watch that movie if you never saw it before. After about a year of wearing loose clothing, you get an idea of how fat Rosey truly is when he wears spandex. FLY, FATASS, FLY!!!
A gigantic disappointment occurred with Ric Flair vs. Bill Goldberg. The match was insanely cut short and turned into a Evolution beatdown, which led to many wrestlers running down to make it a big clusterfuck. Speaking of clusterfucks, Austin changed the RAW main event at Summerslam, but more on that in a moment. What was wrong with letting Flair and Goldberg wrestle? Is it too good, here in 2003, Flair's 4th or 5th decade, for the Nature Boy to lose cleanly? I mean, he's a legend, yes, but he's no young puppy and his credibility of his past will always be there because he's older now. Sigh, the WWE doesn't get it. I can remember that a Flair vs. Triple H match was a breath of fresh air on one episode of RAW, and that ended in a clean win. Can't have that here. Steve Austin would then come down after the match and change RAW main event of Summerslam to an Elimination Chamber, adding the wrestlers who ran down tonight to the match. Oh, jack me off, I'm so excited. Not. The first Elimination Chamber match wasn't exactly thrilling, so why do it again? Secondly, nothing is better than a one on one match up. Goldberg vs. Triple H should happen, even if Triple H's vagina has way too much sand in it. Make it a big squash, big fucking deal. Triple H could then take some time off and return with having his heat in tact. But then again, WWE doesn't think that way and heaven forbid they actually do anything positive with Bill Goldberg. Instead, they make it a clusterfuck of talent in a dangerous cage, in which I guarantee that Triple H isn't pinned by the one who walks out with the World Title. Guarantee it.
Kevin Nash, back from break, would get attacked by Chris Jericho, but fend him off to hit a Jacknife Powerbomb. Yay. I seriously wonder if Nash will ever lay down for Chris Jericho. Back in late 1998/early 1999, Kevin Nash WAS the head booker of WCW, and he was one of the main guys who thought Chris Jericho couldn't hang in WCW, especially on a higher level than the midcard. Eric Bischoff agreed with Nash at the time, and hence Chris Jericho left WCW to join the WWE, where he made the gigantic debut when he interrupted the Rock's promo. Actually, rumor had it that Kevin Nash was making calls to various members of the WWE and Triple H to sabotage Chris Jericho just to prove Nash was right on Jericho's potential. Now that's interesting.
Another short match, although I'm not complaining, was Molly Holly vs. Trish Stratus. The match would then feature Victoria and Gail Kim running down for the sake of running down, and it looked really bad on television (the sequence of wrestling, not the women). Honestly, how much longer can the WWE put these women out for the poor entertainment they give us in the ring? Do they seriously think that any of the women's matches are entertaining, to say the least? For one, they are booked to wrestle like men, which hurts the capabilities of the women in the ring. Secondly, they are on a show surrounded by male wrestlers. They need their own show (Sunday Night Heat) if they are ever going to succeed as a division. I'm sure it doesn't take much to get a few cameras at an arena and film this stuff. It could create a hardcore audience and it would let the WWE write stories for the women only.
In probably the only moment of RAW I actually liked last night, Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam was a pretty solid match, and a result of a clean win for a change. Yes! I've been waiting for that. Of course, the clean win is blamed on the Nash powerbomb, but who cares about that douchebag? The match had a lot of good high flying moves in it, and only one blown spot, when they messed up in the corner, to which Jericho quickly improvised and put RVD in a Walls of Jericho near the ropes instead. I was satisfied. After the match, Jericho was upset at Nash and said he wanted a Hair vs. Hair match for the future. Oh man, I bet you that Jericho loses that one. Kevin Nash wouldn't agree to shaving his head, ever in his lifetime.
The main event was between two non-wrestlers, Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff. A total dump of a match, which featured Kane coming down. Shane, at first, was beating up the monster, as we have a regular human being beating up a monster. Does that make sense to you? No, it never should. But Kane would eventually get the upperhand and tombstone Shane on the stairs. OH, WHAT A SHOCKING SPOT! Please. How many shocking moments are you trying for these days, WWE? Shane would get thrown into the ring, only for Eric Bischoff to pin Shane two times. I'm proud for Bischoff, who has done everything the WWE has asked him to do, including numerous times where he was completely embarrassed and humiliated. He pinned a McMahon, one of which was rumored to actually be taking his GM job a few months back. By the way, Shane came out to ZERO pops. I'm sure that will get blamed on the Canadian crowd. Uh huh, it's all their fault.
LAST WORD: The RAW roster is in a total disarray. Fine, they just got back from a long Australian tour. Ok. But the fact of the matter is that the storylines of this show were absolutely terrible, and this is for a writing crew who didn't travel to Australia. Shane McMahon needs to get the hell off television, as he's not over for one, and for two, he's not a wrestler. Having wrestlers sell his weak offense is a total joke, especially a big monster like Kane. The opening promos are a mess, and the idea of having the Elimination Chamber instead of just Goldberg vs. Triple H is going to be a major failure. The wrestling was bad, yes, but I'll be nice and considerate towards jet lag. I did like the RVD vs. Jericho stuff, though. But the storylines are so bad that I can't help but give this show a [ C- ] (C Minus) grade. Honestly, figure out what the hell kind of show you're running here, WWE, and get your head out of your asses before it's too late. Summerslam will be a failure on the RAW side.
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