I'm a regular viewer of E!, and after seeing the stupid Anna Nicole Smith commercial a million times throughout watching Howard Stern, True Hollywood Story, or the Rank shows, I couldn't resist any longer. Plus, I figured any material to rip on Joanie Laurer or Sean Waltman (or Chyna and X-Pac) is well worth it for good column material. So I taped the sombitch, and through the miracle known as Fast Foward, it wasn't too painful.
Anna Nicole, by the way, and the rest of her losers clearly act crazy in front of the cameras. Why else would Anna's cousin Shelly or whomever act the way she did, trying to sing X-Mas songs or stripping in front of everyone? With the party, I seriously wonder how Anna Nicole and Joanie Laurer became good friends. Through Playboy? Possibly, although I doubt Hugh Heffner wants anything to do with Anna Nicole these days, or at least when making the invitations to Playboy mansion parties. Still, Laurer probably jumped at the invitation to go to the party, you know, since she hardly has any avenues to get on television these days.
Chyna or Laurer entered the door, and was greeted by Anna. She looked at Sean Waltman and told Joanie "and you brought your cute friend with you". HAHAHAHA! That's seriously funny. Waltman was only shown on camera a few times, although he was sitting on Anna's lap at one point. Probably like sitting on a very large pillow. I'm surprised Anna didn't eat him, although a helping of X-Pac would probably make her sick. I know helpings of Waltman wrestling throughout the years have made me sick.
Laurer, on the other hand, did everything she could to get on television. She was dancing with Anna at one point, and singing at another. I questioned why Laurer wore what she wore. She wore a rather revealing piece, somewhat like her old sexy wrestling gear, only tan. Everyone else, at least the majority of people there, dressed casually. Does she dress like that everywhere she goes? Probably not, as again, she wants to be noticed on television. That's how low she's going. Of course, not as low as yours truly for wasting 10 minutes of my life watching segments of this horrible show. Osbournes, this is not.
This is what Joanie has become. She is NOTHING, and I repeat NOTHING without the WWE. Without the WWE, would she still appear and be featured in 2 issues of Playboy? Would she be able to make her own fitness video? Would she be able to get acting gigs, such as Third Rock from the Sun? Would she have been able to have her own book? NO! Do you notice that she's unable to find steady work these days? Sure, the New Japan thing might be successful for her, but here in the states, she's pretty worthless. Hollywood no longer wants her, as she's unable to find acting jobs anywhere. She's blackballed from the WWE, and what worth does she present to a fed like WWA or NWA-TNA? Nothing. Fitness model? Yeah, you certainly don't see fitness models with extra large breast implants, now do you?
It's time for her to admit that she's NOTHING without the WWE. While she's at it, why not admit a real story about her situation with Triple H. In her book, she states that her relationship with Triple H fell apart because he didn't want to commit to her (i.e. marriage). Then, after she's out of the WWE, she goes on Howard Stern and states that an affair between Triple H and Stephanie broke the relationship apart. Later, when possibly in talks with the WWE to show up at Wrestlemania, the story changes again, as it was no longer an affair that broke Joanie and Triple H up. Now that she's with Sean Waltman and engaged, the story is back to an affair with Stephanie.
Joanie Laurer is garbage. She's a man. She's someone who will whip out her pitty life story at any time of the day. So what? But to think that she can have a successful and lucrative life without the WWE, she's crazy. Lowering yourself for television time on the Anna Nicole Smith show only proves that, and I hope that one day, she can clear her head and ditch her ego and admit that the WWE made her and that she'd still be a steroid taking female bodybuilder if WWE wasn't nice enough to sign her. And to make matters worse, Sean Waltman is inside her. Ewww...
Ok, end of that rant. I was thankful of the support I gained from my last column. I'm a loyal fan, and I feel as though the WWE has the potential and talent to turn it around. However, pushing Albert and keeping Triple H as a dominant champion won't get you there. Making Kurt Angle the World Champion and Booker T/Goldust the tag champions are nice steps in the right direction. But how long will that last, or how much bullcrap will the WWE surround their champions. You know, Angle will be champion and his segments or matches will be great, but the rest of the show could suck. Booker T and Goldust won't get any big victories as champions to keep them from being great champions, etc. We'll see, but I do feel that Triple H needs to be a man and pass that fake World title off to someone else instead of feuding with them and letting them host the Pay Per View from WWE New York (or the World), as it was embarrassing to see Rob Van Dam there last night.
Let's talk Armageddon, the wrestling event that is.
Next match was the crowd killer. Edge vs. Albert killed the hot crowd from ever coming alive for the rest of the event. Albert or A-Train, or Poo Choo Train, is a horrible wrestler that nobody in their right might wants to see. He went from SUCKING on Velocity to getting pushed to the main event. Makes no sense. Then, you have his opponent, Edge, who has been involved with several WWE Match of the Year candidates. Duh, why even waste our time? At least put over the more rightful wrestler, Edge, instead of wanting A-Train to have Vince's jack off match with the Undertaker real soon. I was happy that Edge was spared humiliation by the Disqualification finish instead of a clean loss to fat Albert. A total waste of Edge for the Pay Per View. Edge vs. Matt Hardy could have been good, too.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit was a strong technical match, and I like seeing them work together. HOWEVER, seeing many of their matches together, I didn't see anything brand new from these two. It's not like they set the world on fire with this one match, although it was still pretty good and probably the best match on the card. Fans were quiet here because they don't know whether to cheer for the off and on again heel or face Chris Benoit or not. Benoit wins the match, and he brought back the snot rocket, which made me happy.
The biggest waste of time was the Dawn Marie and Al Wilson segment, as Dawn Marie showed the footage of herself and Torrie kissing. Sure, both ladies are hot, but their HOT LESBIAN ACTION isn't as hot as the HLA you could find elsewhere. The WWE probably lost many Pay Per View buyers after some parents were probably insulted by what they let their kids see last night. Good one, WWE. I bet the WWE's thinking is that the lesbian stuff will gain more viewers than losing. Oh, sure...
Next, it's Batista vs. Kane. If you had the tape of the first Kane vs. Batista match from RAW a few weeks ago, it's the same thing here. Flair interfered, and Kane took another sitdown Powerbomb. Big deal. This protective booking for Kane and bad pushing of Batista isn't going anywhere, fast. The OVW wrestlers get no respect from the WWE writers or probably Vince McMahon himself.
Next, we had John Cena whipping out a funny rap. And why couldn't he have fought Edge? By the way, it's no longer B-squared or B-2. It's Bling Bling Buchanan. Uh huh, but at the end of the day, it's still uncharismatic Bull Buchanan.
The women's 3 way match was next, with Victoria vs. Jackie vs. Trish Stratus. I seriously question the worth of Jackie to the WWE right now. Trish looked pretty hot in her outfit last night, with the shining maroon outfit. The match had some brutal shots or bumps by the ladies, but it also featured lots of blown moves. That screwed up pinning sequence, where the ladies had to wait on one to kick the pin was ridiculous. I'm growing tired of bashing the Women's division. Get rid of it or don't over expose it. It doesn't need to be on every RAW or every Pay Per View. Horrible new entrance music by Victoria, by the way...
And now, a moment of glory for the WWE. Kurt Angle won the Undisputed WWE title by beating the Big Show, thanks to Brock Lesnar's help. It's about fucking time the WWE gave the Undisputed title to Kurt Angle. I thought just as Lesnar was getting good as the World Champion, he was badly robbed by the Big Show, who has done nothing on his own behalf to earn that title. Angle, like Edge, has been involved with several of the WWE's best matches for 2002. It's time to reward your best, and Kurt Angle IS the best the WWE has to offer right now. The match had Angle trying his best to work with the very slow Big Show. You wonder why Angle wants the WWE to recruit faster or more athletic wrestlers to keep up with him. Lesnar, Edge, Benoit, or Eddie Guerrero should be the only ones to take that title from Angle. Don't you dare, WWE, make Albert, Undertaker, or the Big Show beat him for it. Of course, WWE is in a business decline, so why not make it decline faster?
Rob Van Dam gave his thoughts on the HBK vs. Triple H match at WWE the World. Yeah, he's not getting punished for hurting Triple H at Survivor Series. As if a shitty cage couldn't have been at fault for that injury, oh no! At least RVD didn't give a bad look on his face like other WWE superstars who have had to go to the World and act happy.
Our main event was a sick joke of what the Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H feud has become. All 3 falls were boring and terrible. For one, the first fall was a STREET FIGHT. So what happens? Triple H works on the knee of Shawn Michaels. Talk about boring. The second fall was a very sloppy cage match, although it ended nicely with a good spot from HBK, jumping off the top to hit Triple H through a table. Remember when jumping off the cage really hurt an opponent, though? Triple H was able to recover and then went on to beat HBK in the 3rd fall, a very short ladder match. HBK took a good bump to finish the bout, although you can see how safe it was if he was fully aware of a table's legs nearly hitting him in the face.
I'll admit that Shawn Michaels has had a very good comeback, especially given the injury he had and how many years he's been out of the sport. Secondly, Triple H has had many great moments as the top heel in the WWE. However, this match was very weak from their best efforts and it only goes to show you that having 3 matches between these two, on Pay Per Views no less, was a bad, bad idea. Time to spread these guys around. I know many fans were upset at HBK vs. RVD getting broken up, as maybe putting Shawn Michaels up against RVD again or a Chris Jericho might not be a bad idea. For Triple H, who on the RAW roster hasn't he owned yet?
LAST WORD: December is very unkind for the WWE, or the other way around, as the WWE is unkind to its fans in December. This Pay Per View was a top to bottom struggle, with 2 great outcomes, 1 good match, and a bunch of disappointments. Overall in 2002, the Pay Per Views have been good, but this one fell flat, unfortunately. I'll give this show a [ D+ ] (D Plus). At least the WWE will have a clean slate starting in January, as we'll head into the Royal Rumble, which is usually a fun event to watch. I just hope January doesn't have continued dominance of Triple H or the big push for the A-Train, or else 2003 is going to truly break the WWE's financial empire.
Check out the Valley Wrestling Federation and Willygoat Xtreme Wrestling. Two great backyard feds.
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@Back Monday with my Armageddon thoughts!
Take Care, and Thanks for Reading.