So I said rectum? Damn near killed 'em. Welcome to the Friday edition of the Wrath of Tito. Pretty depressing last column, eh? It's the truth. I just don't enjoy watching the WWE right now, especially Monday Night RAW. I'm now going to casually watch RAW and possibly write a column afterwards instead of my old style, which was reviewing the show as it happened. I can't sit there and watch the entire show of crap anymore. Just can't do it. At least Smackdown has one or two good matches every night to satisfy me. No Stephanie McMahon, either, to give me an incentive to review tonight's show live.
I had some heat in my e-mails for what I said Tuesday about the WWE and NWA-TNA. Very passionate fans told me where to put my opinions, and it's cool. TNA doesn't stand a chance of getting a national television, and the WWE's numbers are drastically declining. Whenever I get free time, which seems to be sometime early next year, I'll do several statistical studies on the WWE on their declining figures. I've silently compiled buyrates, ratings, stock prices, and a few other figures to run a regression for my own personal shits and giggles. NWA-TNA was banking on Hulk Hogan of all people to give them a big day on Pay Per View, and that kind of backward thinking won't get them anywhere.
Am I happy for Stephanie and Triple H. Of course I am. It's hard to find love in the WWE. They clearly fell in love on screen, for they were an on screen couple that became serious during the late summer of 2000. Triple H proposed on Valentine's Day of 2003, and they were married last weekend. It's great. I wish them the best. My gripe is with their performances at work. Ever since they fell in love, Triple H has been dominant. He hardly ever loses on Pay Per View and we just witnessed a pathetic title reign for most of 2003. It clearly hurt the ratings. Guess what? At Survivor Series, Triple H will gain his World Title back and we'll be back at square one. I had no problem with Stephanie this year until her role increased during the 1039385756756th Stephanie vs. Vince feud. It gave her more television time and it was just as bad as 2001's Alliance and her involvement with Chris Jericho in 2002. As a creative director (several news sources have cited her in that position), she's failing. The shows are poorly written and the ratings ARE dropping. We've had everything from Hot Lesbian Action, Necrophilia, Gay Weddings, etc. which have been embarrassing to deal with as a wrestling fan.
I wish them the best as a couple, though. They can have many kids and I hope they grow old together. Just give two shits about your product instead of yourselves, for a change.
I eyeballed the Stone Cold Truth book by Steve Austin today at a local Waldens. It was either that or have less money to eat next week... I'll wait on that book, although I seriously want to read it (CHRISTMAS IDEA, for any relatives reading!!!). I've heard a good bit on Austin's history, so I don't know how surprising it would be. I would look foward to the WCW section of his book and how much he really hates Eric Bischoff now. Eric Bischoff fired Steve Austin in 1994 for being injured, if you didn't know that.
Matt Hardy to RAW? Although change could be good, I fault the WWE for not seriously trying with Hardy on Smackdown. His Version 1 gimmick WAS over, but the WWE was more content with making him a Cruiserweight or a jobber (Zach Gowen, anyone? Gowen can't beat Vince McMahon, but he can beat Matt Hardy). I'm assuming the move would be to put Hardy on the road with Lita, for Hardy is her guiding light. Not a bad job... Maybe it could be a fresh change, but I don't know. I've lost faith in the WWE bookers when it comes to someone with the last name of Hardy. It's just unfair, and both boys have major talent to use. It burnt out Jeff and I'm sure Matt isn't exactly thrilled to be in the WWE lately, either.
Anybody notice how ridiculous low the weekend shows are? 0.7 is the highest I've seen any one of them lately. Oh well. Not much effort put into those shows, anyway.
I was really impressed with Lebron James on Wednesday night. I was calling him a NBA bust long before he was finished with High School, but he looked very good that night against a really good Sacramento Kings team. I'm happy to be wrong. I said Yao Ming would bust, and much to my dismay, he turned out just fine (and is one of my favorite players now, actually). I've said that the Hardys, Kurt Angle, and a few other wrestlers wouldn't make it in the WWE. I LOVE being wrong on talent!
On to Smackdown.
The show starts off with Kurt Angle, the best overall wrestler in the WWE, coming out to the ring. Survivor Series is looking good, I must admit. They are having 2 classic Survivor Series type matches. First, it's Austin's team vs. Bischoff's team. Then, it's Angle's team vs. Lesnar's team. Cool. I remember when the Survivor Series shows consisted of maybe 3 of those style matches on a card or 2 of them with one singles main event. Chris Benoit comes down to be Angle's partner. John Cena and A-Train come out. Cena gets on the microphone to rap.
Our first match was Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit vs. A-Train/John Cena. Cena and A-Train have the luxury of working with 2 of the bests in the business tonight. Nice belly to back on A-Train by Kurt Angle. Ah, for shame... A-Train just used Vader's finishing Vaderbomb as a regular move. Albert is in this match for the free ride.. Holy Triple Germans on A-Train by Benoit! Why can't anybody backstage seriously push Benoit? Benoit gets the win on A-Train with the flying headbutt. Good television tag bout. Afterward, A-Train and Cena argue in the ring and Cena kicks Albert in the balls and FU drops him. Cena turned face?
Backstage, Vince McMahon yells at Paul Heyman for having a "Buried Alive" match against the Undertaker at Surivor Series. Vince is in his evil "YOU'RE FIRED" voice. Again, as the owner of the company, can't he reverse Heyman's GM decision? Duh huh. Heyman says he gave the Undertaker time off until Survivor Series. Vince then says his house will be burnt down, his children will be kidnapped (Undertaker only has one baby), and his wife will be "raped by a motorcycle gang". Talk about over the top...
Backstage, Torrie still has her make up on as she walks out of the shower...
Backstage, again, Kurt Angle confronts Chris Benoit and asks Benoit to join his Survivor Series team. Benoit accepts, but threatens that he's not Angle's friend.
Backstage, again, it's Heyman and Vince McMahon. Heyman looks pissed off and doesn't take his intimidation. He says he doesn't want to work with the sadistic Vince, but the Vince who ran out every other wrestling promoter out of the business. It's a history laced shoot, folks, with the 1998 WWE audience saying "huh?". Good speech by Heyman, if you understood it.
The Japanese Mafia joins us ringside. Tajiri's English is getting better... Our next match was Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon. Let's see how much time is given to this match... I was excited to hear about it getting booked. Rey's tights, I might add, look very... shall I say, gay? Pink shorts on top of light blue pants? Under 3 minutes for the match time here... Tajiri kicked Mysterio to help Dragon win the match. Dragon was offered to join the Japanese Mafia, but he turned it down by walking away. I bet we don't see Ultimo again for months, UNLESS he jobs to Tajiri soon. What a letdown of a match. Thanks WWE for not giving a shit about Ultimo Dragon. Why did you sign him?
Backstage, Lesnar and Big Show argue about last week's loss.
Paul Heyman comes down to the ring with Nathan Jones and another big guy. Oh no, Nathan Jones is back! Run!!!! The other guy is Matt Morgan. Is that the guy from Tough Enough 2, which Jim Ross had a major hard-on for? Paul Heyman then calls out Brock Lesnar to the ring. Lesnar won't enter the ring with the two "monsters". Yeah, two guys with barely no wrestling experience combined. Lesnar calls out the Big Show for some help. Oh lord, it's HOSS HELL here on Smackdown! Matt Morgan, Big Show, and Nathan Jones join Lesnar's team. Heyman makes the Big Show/Lesnar vs. APA for tonight. Lesnar's team is tall, but short on talent... Ohhhhh!
Backstage, Paul London and Orlando Jordan are playing the new Smackdown game when Dawn Marie comes in and gives them a sneak peak of her Halloween costume. By the way, Paul London looks like the gay boyfriend from the ESPN show "Playmakers".
In the ring, Funaki is our host of the Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie Halloween costume contest. Torrie dressed up as a bunny rabbit and Dawn Marie dressed as Wonder Woman. It's hard to type with your jaw hanging so low... Dawn Marie's pants are WAY up her ass crack and then some... not that I'm complaining. I'm sure I could make a joke about carrots for Torrie Wilson... Torrie wins, Dawn Marie jumps into the chocolate tub of apples and takes off her top. She's used to wearing the fake cover up. Tazz gets pushed into the tub, too. Good use of 15 minutes, I suppose?
It's good to see that the WWE is giving the Cat an opportunity to wrestle. He'll just get lost in the fold, though...
Backstage, Lesnar confronts Cena about becoming a member of Lesnar's team.
Backstage, Chavo Guerrero confronts Eddie Guerrero and says he's sinking low, just like when he was on drugs and alcohol. Jesus, was that necessary? Guerrero won't get the necessary push due to all of the hosses around in the WWE lately.
Eddie Guerrero walks down to the ring, mic in hand. He's sorry to the familia and Chavo for his losses lately. Eddie delivers a speech which is emotional, but silences the crowd. Damn it, the WWE missed their HUGE window of opportunity pushing this guy! They made the Big Show take a dump on him, and the WWE purposely did everything in their power to squash the massive pops he was getting. Congrats WWE, you just let some great business slip by the waistside. As if you care anymore. Too bad Eddie Guerrero can't be named Eddie McMahon. Eddie does get some pops and cheers at the end of his speech, and then Shaniqua walks out with both titles in hand. I bet that Vince McMahon personally paid for those breast implants himself. The distraction allows for the Bashams to run in, and Eddie takes care of all 3 because he's the fucking man! Well, in reality, nobody should take care of a 3 on 1... oh, that sets in when Danny Basham pushes Eddie off the ropes. After the beatdown, Chavo came down to rescue Eddie. The break up is coming, and Eddie's long feud with Chavo will continue to keep him out of the main event scene... Just as Vince and Stephanie McMahon WANT IT, despite UPN actually having a large hispanic audience.
Backstage, Eddie talks to Paul Heyman for a tag title shot. Eddie has to wrestle the Bashams in a handicap match to get a tag team title shot.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is with Josh Matthews about Angle's Survivor Series team. His new member is Hardcore Holly. The other 2 slots are filled by the Good Ol' Boys, I mean the APA.
Survivor Series is headlined by Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon: two of the most stale characters the WWE has. Great marketing idea. I can't wait to see the buyrate...
Brief Undertaker interview... He wants to wrestle Vince McMahon because Vince is the only person in his path to become a 5 time world champion. That means the Undertaker has one more ratings-sinking World Title reign in him. Oh great. I take you back to 2002 if you want to see how "great" the Undertaker was as World Champion, please and thank you.
Our main event was APA vs. Big Show/Brock Lesnar. Simply amazing how the APA will sell for and won't work stiff against the Big Show. I'm absolutely shocked! Why must Simmons and Bradshawn discriminate against certain wrestlers? They slaughter OVW guys, but not larger veterans. They sell for veterans, but not the younger wrestlers? The match ends with Brock Lesnar attacking with the chair. DQ finish. Disappointing main event, if it's even worthy of the "main event" title. They attack Faarooq's knee, and proceed to do the same with Bradshaw when Chris Benoit and Brock Lesnar show up. Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan walk in and powerbomb the living shit out of Angle and Benoit. Morgan's powerbomb looked awesome.
LAST WORD: A very different WWE show, in my opinion. Just strange, all around. It was storyline intense, building towards either next week's Smackdown OR Survivor Series. No problem with Pay Per View hype. Aside from the opening tag match, the wrestling of this show had a lot to be desired. This show sucked on wrestling, but was good on PPV hype. I'll give it a [ B- ] (B-Minus).
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@That's all for today's column. Just chill till the next episode....