My next book will be the Bobby "the Brain" Heenan book, which I'm a few pages into already. It looks short, so I figure I can get it done by next week if I find the right amount of time to sit down and read it.
I don't have anything else to say that I didn't cover already in yesterday's column. On to the WRATH!
Speaking of killing ratings, the first match was Jackie vs. Trish vs. Victoria in an extremely pathetic hardcore 3 way. Very short and very crappy. Sloppy spinning head scissors attempt by Victoria and Jackie. SO TAKE THEM OFF TELEVISION, YOU STUPID FUCKS! After Victoria cheated to win, the misused Steven Richards came in and pounded Trish. Then, Hurricane made the save. And why is the Hurricane making the save? Did I miss something on Mtv Heat or something? It sure doesn't make sense, brother.
Backstage, the Dudleys were upset at Bischoff/Val Venis for their actions last week. It eventually led to the Dudleys attacking Val Venis and getting suspended for doing so. I'd like to see the Dudleys go to WWE Smackdown now so that great tag teams like the Guerrero brothers can feud with them instead of crappy teams like Cena and Bling Bling Buchanan.
Test and Maven versus D'Lo Brown and Chris Nowinski was our next bout. Stacy Kiebler was looking SMOKIN' in that red dress tonight. It amazes me how one can look better, week by week. Wow, I'm afraid to know who will carry this tag team match. Silent crowd here, as nobody cares about 1999 has-beens and 2 Tough Enough green wrestlers. Weird how Nowinski rolled with that spinebuster. Was that intentional? I hope D'Lo doesn't blame referee Nick Patrick for being a racist ref in this match, given Patrick's history of being a crooked referee anyway. Crowd is still searching for a reason to cheer. I'm still finding a reason to keep watching this match. Stacy better get in that ring and strip down to her birthday suit to even get a reaction from this crowd because this match is BORING and has nothing special to offer to wrestling fans. Test had a good offensive spurt there at the end. Referee Nick Patrick got yelled at by D'Lo because Patrick actually knew that Test was the legal man when D'Lo tried to pin Maven. Blah to this match.
Bischoff in the back, awaiting the arrival of Vince McMahon. Too bad the fact that a freakin' Bench Press contest will scare away viewers who anticipated the return of Vince. Back from commercial, and it appears that Gene Okerland was the man in the limo. Man, he looks like shite. Old age is certainly taking a toll on Mean Gene. He should phone Dick Clark on how to look ageless. Chris Jericho confronts Jericho about being #1 in the Royal Rumble, showing that HBK's taunting is working.
F-View has William Regal and Lance Storm talking, as Regal bashes Jerry Lawler for the RATINGS GRABBING match later. Storm is sporting quite a large pad on his arm or elbow.
Next match was Jerry Lawler vs. William Regal. Some say that Regal is SUCH a good worker. Ok, let's see William carry old man Lawler to a good match. Gotta love the hidden Jerry Lawler book advertisement they are doing here by having Regal reading Lawler's book. Funny stuff with the referees checking the tights of Regal and Storm. Lawler, though, had a chain and tried to use it on Regal. Dumbass kept it on his hand when he tried to pin Regal, which got his disqualified. OH NO, we'll have to see this match gain next week! Help us now!
Next, it's the battle of the homo....sapians, as Raven and Jeff Hardy wrestled for a spot in the Royal Rumble. Both wrestlers, mind you, are WAAAAAAAY past their primes. Jeff Hardy, painted up like a dumbass with stupid hankerchiefs in his pocket, and Raven got a matching haircut with Jeff Hardy to honor his opponent. I can remember when both of these wrestlers were cool to cheer for. I don't honestly see what either man did in 2002 to even be up for a Royal Rumble spot. The sad thing about this match is that both guys are giving effort, but their characters have been trashed for the last 2 or 3 years that nobody cares enough for either man. Jeff Hardy won so that he can now display his horrible painted body on Pay Per View for the first time in a while.
Vince McMahon arrives, with Eric Bischoff kissing up. Vince will "make an announcement" toinght. Funny stuff with Randy Orton.
What the hell is this stuff with Sean O'Haire? Can't he just let his flashy moves speak for themselves? He looks horrible with long hair, anyway.
Time for the beginning of the end, as Vince McMahon will be on every television show from now on, whether you like it or not. He'll take up 20 minutes of each show, talking about how great he is and doing NOTHING for midcard or up and coming talent by stroking his ego on live television. The Dudleys came down to address their suspension. The Dudleys get reinstated and get a match against Regal and Storm at the Royal Rumble. Funny to hear Vince say "D'Von, get the tables" in the EVIL Vince McMahon voice. Chris Jericho then interrupts and he wants the #1 position in the Royal Rumble. Vince makes the over the top rope match have a stipulation that has the winner choose any number but #1 in the Royal Rumble, as Shawn Michaels already took it. The funny thing is that in the Royal Rumble, it doesn't matter if you're #1 or #2. Duh. Eric Bischoff then interrupts. Vince screams at Bischoff, as Vince just wants to make an announcement about RAW's Tenth Anniversary show tomorrow. However, it becomes a Bischoff job evaluation. Crowd hates Bischoff, but Vince thinks Bischoff is doing a good job... but not a great job. Vince gives Bisch 30 days to turn around RAW. How about 30 years? How about giving 30 days to the creative team to turn around RAW, too? Ah, I have a guilty pleasure in wanting to hear Vince McMahon "YOU'RE FIRED".
Bischoff confronts Vince McMahon over the 30 days and Eric says "you know there is nobody out there who could replace me". Just then, Shane McMahon steps out of the limo. HUGE pop erupts, as if the crowd hasn't seen Shane in a while. Oh yeah, he hasn't been on television for a long time. Both McMahons looked quite older tonight, as both had extra grays in their hair.
Our next match is Lance Storm vs. Booker T. I don't see the purpose of this match, given that Booker T/Goldust vs. Regal/Storm is done and over with. It's hard to cheer for Booker T when he just lost his tag titles last week. In other words, the WWE buried him pretty good last week. Match looked to be Storm beating Booker T, but the Dudleys ran down and ended the match. I'm not too sad about that.
I guess Trish Stratus is Mighty Molly 2003? She came out with Hurricane for his match with Steven Richards. Short match, which didn't show either wrestler's potential to ever be a top player in the WWE, despite working hard every week. The WWE pushes the Women's division way too hard to give it more than 2 segments per night.
Weird Nathan Jones promo. At least the WWE is taking time to promote their incoming wrestlers, I suppose.
Next, it was the Bench Press challenge between two of the guys with more growth hormones than the entire arena. Scott Steiner said "put 585 on there for starters". God damn that's a lot of weight. Both Triple H and Steiner appear to have muscles for looks, not power. It's doubtful that they could bench even 500. Triple H, my nomination for 2003 Douche of the Universe, came out in a full suit and went to the ring. Triple H dogged the wrestlers again, namely Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, and the Rock, who aren't in the WWE right now. BORING promo cut here by Steiner. They would get in the ring and brawl, and Steiner would rip Triple H's clothes off. Is someone in love with the other in this feud, namely someone with some creative influence backstage? This was actually swiped from an old NWA feud, I believe, as I remember Ric Flair once getting stripped like that. Anybody remember who did it to Flair? I can't remember for the life of me. Scott Steiner is soooo going to lose this Sunday.
Next bout was the over the top rope challenge between Kane, Chris Jericho, Rob Van Dam, and Batista. Winner gets to choose their spot in the Rumble. I'm amazed that they put this in the main event. This would be hard to top the mini-Royal Rumble that DX and the Corporation put on several years ago, which is one of the few Chyna moments I liked and still like today. Nice double-team with Kane and RVD, as RVD hit the legsweep and Kane hit a clothesline on Batista. Reminded me of the old Total Elimination by the Eliminators of ECW. God, I miss that tag team. Devastating sitdown powerbomb on Chris Jericho by Batista. RVD and Jericho were the last in the ring, and Batista helped to eliminate RVD, making Jericho the winner. Not bad at all. Jericho declares that he wants #2, which is essentially the same as #1. HBK runs down and throws Jericho over the top rope. Hey, I liked this final segment. Too bad the rest of the show sucked.
LAST WORD: An extremely hard sell for Royal Rumble. Steiner vs. Triple H isn't a top level feud, as they've wasted their time this month and last month recycling old 1980's wrestling stuff. The midcard totally sucks and the tag team division on this brand is very weak. Women's division continues to be a joke, and it's actually holding some wrestlers down from feuding by themselves. I liked the last segment with the 4 guys and HBK at the end, and some of the stuff with Vince was good as well. I'll go [ C- ] (C minus) for another weak RAW of 2003, making us go 0-2 this year so far. The interest of Bischoff getting just 30 days to improve RAW or else is something to watch, though, and I hope it adds some spark to this lackluster wrestling show.
Check out Willygoat Xtreme Wrestling and the Valley Wrestling Federation. Two great backyard feds.
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