Welcome to the Monday edition of the Phat Daily Column. Today, we're gonna hype RAW, which is really like hyping one match and one match only. Why? That's all that has been announced at this point, and that same match is one that should get a FINGER OF SHAME for headlining RAW. More on that in a bit...
As for the FINGER OF SHAME.... where did I get that? Well, I confess that I borrowed it from an English professor at my university, who points it whenever he finds somebody that hasn't read the assigned material. He'll also point it if someone missed a class, but he does it in an entertaining way. I do it, I'll admit, in a very angry way. But anyway, this English professor is simply a riot to have as an instructor, to which I wish that every English teacher be like. He's one of those people that after you listen to them for a while, you begin to speak just like they do.
MULTIMEDIA ALERT! I am finished viewing the Best of the Dudley Boyz ECW video. With that being said, look for a full review to be a part of Wednesday's column. As for the other best of ECW video, which is the one featuring Cactus Jack... I'll wait until Christmas time to get that one. I'm not really too bloodthirsty to see any hardcore violence right now, and I'm not really excited to see Foley stuff right now. Of course, I'm excited to READ Foley, as I am over halfway done with the book, with the limited amount of time that I do have.
Speaking of limited time, I don't have much today, so on to the PDC!
It's just very ridiculous to have two McMahons headlining a wrestling show, especially with the gigantic talent roster that the WWF has. If Vince, Shane, and Stephony feel as though the current wrestling scene is boring, then why not bring up some Ohio Valley Wrestling wrestlers that the brainwashed Jim Ross always talks about? Why not go out and get Ric Flair to give a household name to the Alliance? I mean, it's just hideous that the McMahons, when the ratings go down, try to rely on themselves to make the shows bounce back. Sure, it could have worked in 1998, 1999, and parts of 2000, but everything has been done with the McMahons.
The only ideas I could think of that were still original are the following:
-Give Shane McMahon a sex change. Hey, if the WWF can give Stephanie a breast implant surgery to improve her image, then why not change Shane's image so that he can fight Stephanie in some street fights?
-Invent a NEW McMahon. I mean Jesus Christ, the McMahons must have some cousins or long lost brothers/sisters out there. Especially since Vince McMahon has cheated on Linda, many times in real life, there could be many brothers and sisters to come out of no where. Lots of bastard kids!
-Have incest among McMahons. Hey, if anything goes in the storylines, then why not? A few years ago, they tried to have Ken Shamrock do an incest angle with his storyline sister, Ryan Shamrock. If the McMahons were going to pawn that hell on Ken Shamrock, then why not on themselves?
AND THE MOST ORIGINAL IDEA OF THEM ALL........
-Why not disappear and never show up on television again? That's the best idea the WWF could do right now with the McMahons.
And you just know what will happen to start the show. Shane and Stephanie will come down to talk smack and say how they'll beat the WWF at Survivor Series. Then, in a SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS (not really), Vince McMahon will come down and say whatever to Shane, just to fill 20 minutes. Hey, I feel a PARODY coming on!!!
Here Comes the Money..... *Out comes Shane McMahon and Stephanie McMahon, and Stephanie has a wheelbarrel to carry her new super-sized implants. They enter the ring, and Shane dances like someone put some hot massaging liquid in his jock-strap (Revenge of the Nerds allusion)*
Shane: At Survivor Series, our Alliance, who have a 1,000 loss losing streak, will beat the WWF! Why? Because baby, I'm wrasslin' in the match! I'm the best wrestler ever, and I'm willing to kill myself in the ring if it gets the fans to say that I take more risks than the wrestlers! Yes! I should be world champ! That way I could be in the same category as my father, Vince Russo, and David Arquette! Yeah baby!
Stephanie: Hold on there a second Shane... I'm going to be on Team Alliance, too, since I'm a big chested bitch.... or at least that's what I want everyone to think! I'm so great, especially since I wrote myself to pin the Rock a few weeks back! Like you, Shane, I LOOOOOOVVVVVE myself!
*15 minutes of rambling later!*
No Chance In Hell.......... *Out comes Vince McMahon, with his hand in his pocket (playing pocket pull, cause he loves himself), with a mic in hand*
Vince: Ooooooohhhhh no, Shane and Stephanie. If there's any McMahon who loves him or herself more than anyone, it's Vincent K. McMahon. And at Survivor Series, I too will wrassle in the Alliance vs. WWF match, because I don't trust the talent, who I spend millions of dollars on, to carry any kind of show. McMahons equal ratings, and once we get backstage after our match, we're going to love that we single-handedly saved the WWF by our camera presence, and NOT our horrible writing for our wrestlers!
*10 more minutes of more boring discussion*
Vince: And tonight, I'm gonna kick your ass! We can SMELL THE RATINGS!
*Lights go out. Weird music begins to play* McMAHON BUSTERS!!! WHO YA GONNA CALL???!?! McMAHON BUSTERS! I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO McMahon! *Suddenly, Mr. Tito, Dan Aykroyd, and Bill Murray, dressed exactly as the guys from the hit movie Ghostbusters©!*
Tito: Bill and Dan! You guys zap the two snobby kids in the ring, and trap them in your Ghost traps! I'll take care of Vince.
Just like the movies, the evil McMahons were zapped, placed in traps, and taken to a weird storage facility in a basement, under a former firehouse.
Ok, ok..... so the ending got a little carried away with some memories from Ghostbusters, in my hopes and dreams to never see the McMahons as the main focus on television. The WRESTLERS, who the McMahons pay millions to, should get the spotlight, and the can easily achieve that. They are talented enough, you know. Oh wait, the McMahons don't know that!
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@That's all for today. I shall be back, tomorrow, with the famous RAW review and grade. Until then, remember to boycott the Shane vs. Vince match, tonight on RAW, and be sure to spread the word.
Take Care, and Thanks for Reading.