Welcome back to the Phat Daily Column. Today's column will be a little different. Instead of the normal views of each of the 2 federations and a few notes on ECW on TNN, I decided to do FULL BLOWN retults of last night's TNN broadcast. Blow by blow results with sort of a Tito twist to it. Enjoy.

Match One: Kid Rock Kash vs. Vic Grimes
Kid Kash comes down to Kid Rock's music, in Kid Rock's clothing, and acting like Kid Rock!!! Maybe like Kid Rock's new CD, he just might suck like Kid Rock in this match. Before this match, Joey Styles confirms that Tony Marinara "jumped" to ECW because of the hardtimes in WCW. On to the match. Vic Grimes on the first offense. Tilt a world flying head scissors by Kash! Springboard frankensteiner by Kash!! Kash tries to send Grimes for the ride, reversal, and then Kash messes up on the springboard off the ropes. The wonderful ECW crowd chants: YOU FUCKED UP!! YOU FUCKED UP!!! Whoever started that chant years ago truly needs a medal. Grimes proceeds to pick up Kid Kash like an upside down Razor's Edge, and he flips Kash over hard and SLAMS him on the mat! Holy cow, what a move!! Styles can't even call that great move. Scoop slam and spinning leg drop by Grimes. Another messed up spot off of a leapfrong by Kash. Kash then tries the tilt a world headscissors again, but Grims slams him as Kash spins around. Another great move! And the WWF says he has no potential... Grimes misses the splash in the corner, and goes over the ropes. Kash does a spinning plancha off the ropes to the outside! Kash tries to bodysplash Grimes, but Grimes Diamond Cuts him! Grimes stands on Kash's head for good measure, and then jumps off the top rope like a Vader bomb, but he nails Kash right in the jewels. Grimes again misses the splash in the corner, Kash then does a rolling flip and gives Grimes a frankensteiner. Kash tries again, but Grimes throws Kash over his head. Grimes ot to the top, and misses a Harlem Hangover. Kash does this weird body scissors pin for the 1, 2, 3. Oh my God, great match!!!!! I'll give it an A for a great opening bout to ECW on TNN.
Winner: Kid Kash

ECW shows the well produced piece from last week, and hypes the match later between Rhino and Sandman.

COMMERCIAL- Time: 2 minutes and 50 seconds.

Back. Extreme Replay of the mean tornado DDT from Tanaka on Balls. In the back, we have Johnny Swinger lubing himself up for something. We get our answer when Simon Diamond walks in. Oops. Diamond questions why Swinger isn't ready for his match. Swinger is posing in front of his biggest fan...literally, you know, the device used to cool someone down. Swinger pulls a great line and says "can't you see my biggest fan blowing me?" HAHA. One of the 3 Musketeers walks in and pokes that Big fan. Swinger didn't like it. Two flunkies of Diamond got oil all over themselves from being behind Swinger when he was being blowed by his biggest fan.

COMMERCIAL- Time: 2 minutes and 26 seconds.

Back. Little Guido comes out with the latest WCW defect, Tony Marinara, who really wasn't a waste. They show last week where Big Sal took a fireball from Mikey Whipwreck. Speaking of that, guess who's fighting the Artist formerly known as Tony Marinara?

Match Two: Mikey Whipwreck vs. Tony Marinara
Time up, headlock by Tony, gets sent for the ride, and then flips, only to be clotheslined by Whipwreck. Styles informs us that Marinara was trained by Dean Malenko! Let's see if it shows...Whipwreck sends Tony for the ride, and throws Tony in the air really high. Whipwreck does a sweet leg drop while Tony's head is under the ropes. Very stiff. Whipwreck tries a back body drop on Tony, but Tony nails Mikey with a DDT. Yes, DDT's do have effect in ECW..the only federation who still appreciates such a great move. I guess WCW and WWF want to show the world how much they appreciate Jake the Snake, eh? Back to the match, as Tony sends Mikey for the ride, but Guido interferes, and gives Mikey the Fameasser Rocker Dropper Sicilian Slice. Tony then attacks Mikey on the outside, and then tries a badly messed up flip into the guardrail, which Tony thought it was Mikey. Ouch, that had to have hurt. Guest what chants came into the situation? YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!!! Mikey pulls Tony over railing, and then throws him into the ring. Tony is getting up and Mikey underhooks Tony up like a Razor's edge. Mikey spins around, and then drops Tony in midair for a Pedigree!!! Oh my God! Now that was a move if I've ever seen one. Even better, we have another TITO sign in the crowd!!! THANKS TO WHOEVER HELD THIS UP!!!!!

Anyway, Tony is still alive? End of match. Guido attacks Mikey. Reversal in the corner from Guido. Mikey reverses the Tornado DDT, and WHIPPERSNAPPER!!! Whipwreck then holds Guido for the Sinister Minister to burn. Whipwreck sees Big Sal bulging in, and he gives Guido a spinning neckbreaker. Sal comes after the Minister, but Mikey comes in and powders the eyes of Sal. Sal then gets confused and pounds Tony! Oh my God, Sal just threw Tony into the crowd. Now this isn't the light throws that Bam Bam did on Spike..Sal really tossed him. WCW wasn't that rough, eh Tony? Great match, and some mean bumps taken by Tony Marinara. Why wasn't he used like this in WCW? Oh wait, that's WCW. I'll give this match an A too. Great undercard matches. Perfect show from this point on..no lie.
Winner: Mikey Whipwreck

COMMERCIAL- Time: 3 minutes and 4 seconds.

Extreme Replay shows how sick that top rope bump to the outside by Tony Marinara really was. Then the helicopter pedigree is shown too! I think the guys name is now Tony Mamaluke? Want more? Another replay of Sal throwing Tony into the crowd. Shows Sinister Minister in the back. Minister is a sinner. Minister says Sal breaks the rule of gluttony. Not for food, but for punishment. Minister hates the sin of stupidity. Minister says Sal was stupid for touching Minister. Minister then says that Sal will spontaneously combust. Mikey says there is no such thing, but Minister proves him wrong by lighting his whole back on fire. Minister laughs. Quote from Minister: "Not only does Mikey get a spiritual guidance from me, but I also light a fire under his ass!" HAHAHA!!!

Paul Heyman is now on, but for some reason, no sound. Here's an odd scrolling message below the screen: Please ignore this gentleman's temper tantrum. Could it be he's been thrown through too many tables? Now this segment is strange, and it COULD be what TNN didn't want you to hear. Or, I smell an angle!!! Another scrolling message now: TNN harbors no ill feelings against ECW. Hmmm...oh no, another message: TNN fully supports ECW Wrestling and all its redeeming qualities. Huh?

Shows clips of Dawn Marie to ensure her many many fans that she's still a part of ECW. No she did NOT go with Lance Storm to WCW. Poor Storm...he's going to need the attention. Want to see more of Dawn Marie or even Francine? Then go to the slow loading ECW page!!! Upcoming events are shown. Hype! Hype! Rhino vs. Sandman! Hype!

ECW Hotline: "Tonight on the hotline...ECW battles the censors". Heyman, who is the voice for those promos, says that the match is too Extreme for TNN to play. He says ECW will show it eventually anyway. Hardcore TV maybe?? Austin talks about his return to the ring, Bret Hart talks about Vince McMahon, and WCW makes an ass out of themselves. Back to the TNN censoring thing. Why would Heyman be censored during an interview, but then be allowed to discuss it in a hotline promo? I smell a work!!!

Promo for ECW Hardcore Heaven 1999 to buy. To somewhat quote Rodney Dangerfield in Caddy Shack: "Hey, if you buy this video you get a free bowl of soup".

COMMERCIAL- Time: 1 minute and 26 seconds...not bad!

Back, and we are with Gertner and Styles. They are censored too? Scrolling message: We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by. Heyman jumps in front of the screan and shouts..but again, it's censored!! Work! Work!!! Back to the arena...Rhino comes to ring with Steve Corino, who I respect a lot more than I did when ECW on TNN first aired. Enter Sandman hits...shows clips of Living Dangerously where Corino was taunting Sandman's wife. Sandman makes his way through the crowd as usual. Ever seen this live? His entrance is much more fun than watching it on television. I'm not kidding. More Living Dangerously clips, where Rhino spears Lori Fullington, Sandman's wife, into a table in the turnbuckle. Entrance is soooo long...up to a 3rd beer now.... shows Hardcore Heaven clips where Rhino piledrives Lori HARD through a table off the side of the mat. Again, thanks to the fella who held up the TITO PDC sign. You got on television more than any other sign. Hey, this match is about to get underway after the long entrance... Wait! Dusty Rhodes comes down!

Match Three: Sandman vs. Rhino for the Television Title
Rhino hits Sandman from the start with a clotheline. Rhino stomps a mudhole in the Sandman, and then gives Sandman a right hand. Dusty and Cornio are now fighting outside. Sandman now comes back, throws Rhino outside. Lots of sending each other for the ride either into the ring or the guardrail. Sandman then throws a table in the ring, sets it up, but Rhino attacks him..hmm, it's in a Rhino spear position. Sandman sets Rhino up on the top rope, climbs the ropes, sort of moves his hips in a sick and taunting position, and gives Rhino a frankensteiner. Look at Sandman...does he look like a guy who can do a move like that? Sandman now flattens table, and piles drives Rhino into it! Ouch. Jack Victory comes down and helps Corino with Dusty. Corino is now in the ring, but he gets caned! Rhino then gets caned!! Victory takes a cane! But, Rhino gets the upperhand on Rhino. Dusty makes the save and gives them all Bionic elbows. Rhino gets the advantage back, and the trio beats down Dusty and Sandman. Tajiri comes down! He helps ECW destroy the network. Tajiri taking over, but Scotty "the clap" Anton comes down and helps TNN. RVD comes down!! RE....SPECT! RVD destroys Victory and Cornio, but fights a good war with Rhino. RVD now destroys Anton with a Roundhouse, goes for the 5 star frog splash, but Anton is pulled out. BUT, RVD does his flip over the ropes, and onto the Network!! Jerry Lynn then comes down...he's looking around, and says he's the NEW F'N show...Gertner says Lynn will be the deciding factor of this war. Eh, match was OK for what it's worth, with a pretty predictable ending. I'll give this match a B-. By the way...END OF SHOW!!!!
Winner: No Contest

ECW ON TNN Phat Stats

A+

@That's all for today's column. I'll be back, hopefully, with more PDC to go around. Thanks for reading, and just chill till the next episode.

NEW "Defense Wrestles" to CLICK HERE, READ, and ENJOY!!!!!!!!

Mr. Tito (copyright) 2000 Exclusive to Lordsofpain.net