Welcome back to the Phat Daily Column. Yes, today is ECW Day here in the wonderful world of PDC, and that mainly means FULL BLOWN ECW on TNN results! Yes, I'm the official ECW on TNN guy, so I'll have all of the results, along with my evil and wretched opinion. Nothing like a fun Saturday column, eh?
Ready for the ECW on TNN results? Here we go........
George is in the ring! They show Chilly Willy defeating EZ Money earlier tonight. Willy, they say, is gaining rapid popularity in ECW. Um, ok. Isn't Chilly Willy a Penguin in the hit cartoon Woody Wood Pecker? They show Kid
Rock Kash defeating Billy Wiles earlier tonight. Little Guido got destroyed by Rob Van Dam earlier as well, as Guido took a VERY NASTY Van Daminator!
Francine is in the ring now, and BAM, she caned George!!! She calls George "Bitch!" She says " I don't know who you are, I don't care where you came from, but I'm the queen of Extreme". I couldn't have said it better myself. ECW introduction.... Tonight on ECW on TNN- The Sandman vs. Justin Credible, Tajiri vs. Jerry Lynn, plus the return of Dawn Marie! Smell the ratings!
Joey Styles and Joel Gertner in the ring! "I'm Joey styles...." Gertner: "Well, well, well.....it is I, the quintessential studmuffin, Joel, my bed has seen more positions than a lazy boy recliner...I'm wrestling's original designer of the sexual one liner. Not designer like Goche, or designer like Versache...but I like to each coochie, when it tastes like Butter Scotchie!" Oh my God! Cyrus comes out. Crowd is hot for him tonight. Cyrus is mad at Gertner about his intros. Cyrus says "this crowd is about to see me kick your fatass, you son of a bitch!" Great crowd tonight! Cyrus: "You don't have the balls to get with me". Gertner: "The last guy that was with you, has a rash on his balls!" Holy shit, TNN is allowing this? HAHAHA!! Gertner is glad Cyrus is in Chicago(arena of ECW on TNN this week), because Cyrus will get his ass kicked by Gertner! Highway to Hell hits the speakers. Holy shit! Spike Dudley, knee brace and all, comes to the ring! Alright!!! He looks pissed as hell. WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK!
Spike says that when he says something, he backs is up. He says that Cyrus deported Super Crazy to Mexico. Says Cyrus stripped RVD of the TV title. He says that Cyrus caused his leg injury for 9 months. Spike is gonna rip Cyrus a brand new butthole. Rhino comes down. Rhino: "I broke your leg once, and what says I won't break it again?". Thunderkiss 65 hits, and Pitbull #1, Gary Wolfe hits the ring! Wow! Who else will return to ECW these days?
Match #1: Rhino vs. Gary Wolfe
Wolfe sends Rhino for the ride, and gives him a nice spinning kick. Sends him for the ride again, and gives him a spine buster off that springy canvas. Wolfe, by the way, looks like a roided up Hardy Boy. Spike throws in a table for Wolfe, and Wolfe puts the table in the corner...BUT, Rhino spears him into that very table. Rhino is trying to pull Wolfe outside, and he gives Wolfe a very safe piledriver through a table. Yikes. Wolfe thrown back into the ring, for the 1, 2, 3 at 1 minute and 31 seconds for a wonderful squash.
Coming up later, Sandman vs. Justin Credible! Return of Dawn Marie! Jerry Lynn vs. Tajiri. Raven is shown in the back, and Joey Styles says "what is Raven doing here??" If I were announcing, I'd say "why is Raven slacking in ECW?"
ECW promos- Heatwave and Extreme Warfare, Volume 2. If you buy Extreme Warfare, Volume 2, you'll get a free bowl of soup!!! Time: 58 seconds. Hey, I'm timing everything tonight!
COMMERCIAL- 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
Jerry Lynn comes down to the ring. He's one tough mother...shut your mouth! I'm just talking about the Dynamic Jerry Lynn. I love how I always get him confused with Jerry Flynn. Like Calvin jokingly told me one time, Jerry Flynn should now go to ECW and fight Jerry Lynn. I only wish.... They show replays of Lynn's confusing refereeing jobs. I remember when Tom Zenk was a referee in WCW back in the day.
Match #2: Jerry Lynn vs. Tajiri
Tajiri comes down, only to take a baseball slide by Lynn. Brawling on the outside, with railing throwing here and there. Kick me, punch me. Back in the ring, and Tajiri and Lynn trade rough chops. After some counters, Tajiri hits a frankensteiner, and then after more counters, Lynn hits a nice tilt a whirl backbreaker...and guess what, commercial time! Ugh, how I hate the production and set up for these shows. Damn it!
COMMERCIAL- 3 minutes and 2 seconds
Back from fucking commercials, as this match has lost a lot of interest as we speak for myself. Lynn has a weird submission hold on Tajiri; something like a "Guerrero special"? Beats me. Tajiri gets out of it, and then applies a weird ground submission hold. Cyrus now comes down to ringside. Nasty kick by Tajiri, as I mark out for him. Nice german suplex, with a bridge by Lynn...2 and a half! Lynn on the offense now, with stomps to the head. Cyrus is hogging a lot of camera time. Reversals, and that leads to Lynn on top, and giving Tajiri an odd looking Tornado DDT. 1, 2, kickout! Cyrus has a Lynn shirt on by the way, to you know, sell that Lynn MIGHT be a part of the network. Reversals here and there, and a reversed DDT by Tajiri! 1, 2, kickout by Lynn. Tajiri on the top rope now, but Lynn hits him. Superplex by Lynn. 2 Count only. Lynn stomps Tajiri, and and tries to suplex him. It's reversed, and Tajiri has Lynn in a reverse DDT position...only this time, he goes to the top, and gives him a reverse Tornado DDT. OUCH! 2 Count only, as Lynn had his foot on the ropes. Man, that was a rough looking move. Tajiri to the top again, and gives Lynn a missle dropkick to the back. 2 count only. Traded chops, which leads to a spinning heel kick by Tajiri. Reversals on the ride, which leads to a spinning elbow by Lynn. Tajiri rolls out of the ring, as Lynn thinks his elbow is injured. Hmm. Tajiri back in the ring, and he has the ring wrench. It's no use, as Lynn slaps him in the Abdominal stretch! Tajiri reverses that and puts the move on Lynn, and he turns it into an OCTOPUS! I LOVE THAT MOVE!!!!! Cyrus tries to make the save, and Tajiri spits the green mist! *marks out* Tajiri puts Cyris in the T-rantula, and Steve Corino comes into the ring and Superkicks Jerry Lynn. Tajiri then nails Lynn with a stiff double dropkick to the face for the win at 7 minutes and 41 seconds.
This "proves" that Jerry Lynn was NOT part of the network. As the posts say at LoP, Lynn will now face Corino at Heatwave.
COMMERCIAL- 2 Minutes and 31 seconds
Back, and it shows Francine and her two midgets hanging over the table. Now that's funny. She's talking with Credible, as Credible says he's going to prove that he's just increcible. Extreme Replay of the ending of the Tajiri vs. Jerry Lynn, brought to you by DaveScherer.com. ECW will be right back! I love shortened segments like this.
COMMERCIAL- 3 minutes and 20 seconds
Johnny Swinger and Simon Diamond come down to help smell the ratings. They have their flunkies too..aww, how cute. They show the Dangerous Alliance promo from last week against the Diamond studs...now that's another WCW reference. Danny Doring and Roadkill make their way to the ring now. Super Nova and Chris Chetti come down as the 3rd team in this match. Oh my God, this will be a pain to recap.
Match #3: Swinger/Simon vs. Doring/Roadkill vs. Nova/Chetti
They storm the ring, and this match is underway. Brawling at first, with Nova and Chetti beating on Simon. Nova with knees to the chest, while Chetti hits a spinning kick. Swinger in the corner, and Roadkill splashes him. Doring hits his weird foward Stunner on Swinger. Nova and Chetti hit a low double dropkick on a sitting down Doring, and they attack Roadkill now. Scissor kick by Chetti on Roadkill. Doring set for the ride, but he jumps on a crawling Roadkill, and leaps out of the ring, onto the band of misfits that accompany Swinger/Simon. No wonder that Heyman has money problems...he has to pay useless talent like those flunkies. Argh! Roadkill takes a few kicks from Chetti and Nova at the same time, until he can't take no more, and falls down. Nova pulls in Simon, and Doring fights circus outside. Simon fends off Chetti, and Swinger comes in to help Simon attack Nova. Failed doubleteam move by Simon/Swinger, and Roadkill then comes off the top rope with a doubleclothesline...and no, it wasn't around corner. This guy jumped off the middle of the ropes!! Nice. CW Anderson, who I swear is a younger Arn Anderson(no relation though), hits the ring to attack! Mean left hands for everyone! Anderson leaves, and Nova hits a Swanton bomb on Road Kill. 2 Count only. Swinger nails Nova with a jawbreaker, and Simon grabs Nova for a DVD..oh wait, it turns into a reverse DDT! Nice move. 1, 2, 3 on Nova, as he and Chetti are now eliminated! Doring on the attack, and sends Simon for the ride. Roadkill grabs Simon in a bearhug, and Doring leaps high for the clothesline on Simon. Cover broken up by Swinger at 2. Roadkill attacking Swinger. Reversal from Swinger, and Simon comes over to help Swinger hit a double Flatliner! Nice. 2 Count only, thanks to Doring. Doring pounds on Simon, and Roadkill gives Swinger a powerslam. Doring going up top, but Chris Chetti knocks him off the ropes! Simon picks Doring up oddly, and Swinger DDTs him! Nice doubleteam move! 1, 2, 3, at 4 minutes and 5 seconds. That my friends, is the hardest match I've ever tried to do play by play on. Good match for the short amount of time given.
Winners: Johnny Swinger and Simon Diamond
Still to come... Credible vs. Sandman! Return of Dawn Marie!
ECW Promo- Heatwave Pay Per view- 30 seconds
ECW Hotline Promo- Latest WCW defection to ECW! Latest injury in the WWF that hasn't been shown on TV. Something on Goldberg. Something about ECW and Californication. Time: 30 seconds. You know something. These hotlines are nothing but "shit stirrers" in my mind. For one, the news they have on that hotline is already covered on the net or elsewhere. The others are just there to anger either the WWF or WCW. Usually hotlines for federations cover their own news, and NOT other federation's news. But hey, ECW always needs to make a quick buck, especially when TNN doesn't give a flying fuck about them, right? I think so.
COMMERCIAL: 1 minute and 25 seconds.
Justin Credible, that ridiculous ECW Champion, hits the ring. You can just tell he's good buds with Triple H. Francine, of course, comes out with her two midgets. He is the game! whatever. Highlights of the mixed tag match from last week is shown. Whoa...guess who is special guest referee for this bout? Dawn Marie! It's Paul Heyman's revenge on TNN. Yipee! Dawn Marie immediately bitches at Francine, but is then blindsided by Justan Asshole using a cane. Why didn't TNN censor that out? They usually do for such brutality? Enter Sandman hits. His reward for pulling down his pants and wrestling drunk: A World Title Shot. Gotta love some of the things here in ECW sometimes. Sandman is taking his time with the entrance as well. Look at me smoke, look at me drink! Remember when he tried to smoke in WCW? Now that's funny. BobRyder.com has new ECW photos, so go there! ECW upcoming events stuff. Man, this entrance is soo long that you can just throw promos ant anytime here. A good 52 seconds for that ECW promo. By the way, Sandman took a good 2 minutes and 52 seconds to get to the ring.
Match #4: The Sandman vs. Justin Credible
Credible attacks Sandman on the outside, thus putting an end to the long entrance. Brawling outside, with Sandman in control. Credible is thrown over the guardrail. Then pulled over, and thrown into guardrail close to the entrance way. Sandman throws the wood set up for a loading dock into the ring. In the ring now, Sandman puts that wood thing in the corner, and throws Credible into it! Ouch. He is the game! Credible takes the bumps like his good friend Triple H. Damn, Sandman gives Credible a bulldog on that wood setup. 2 Count only, because Credible is just that damn good. Credible sent for the ride, hard, and he goes over the top rope. Wood thing put back in the corner, but a reversal as the Sandman does his upside down thing into the wood thing. Credible has the cane, misses Sandman, and then the Sandman misses Credible with a clothesline and hits the referee with it. Credible comes back and hits Sandman with a clothesline of his own. Credible misses splash in the corner, and is tied up in the corner. Sandman kicks Credible, which makes him stradle the corner. Frankensteiner on Credible from the top top rope. Those crack me up. Dusty Rhodes comes in and tries to count and act like a referee..1, 2, but it's broken up by Francine and her lovely midgets. Dusty comes after Francine, but Corino and Jack Victory save her. Dusty beats both of their asses with elbows. Francine then grabs the cane and canes the hell out of the Sandman! Ouch! George comes out of no where and slams Francine down.....CATFIGHT!! CATFIGHT!! They roll out of the ring, and Credible climps the ropes for his post. Sandman climbs them to, and gives Credible a side Russian Legsweep. Nice. 1, 2, but the intern referee now is attacked by Scotty "I wrestle like I do have the Clap" Anton. Anton attacks the Sandman, whichs means RVD is on his way. No! Raven attacks Anton! Credible hits Raven with the cane though. Raven and Anton battle outside, going to the locker-room. Credible puts a table in the corner, and beats up Sandman. Tries to suplex Sandman into it, but it's blocked. Sandman tries to belly to back suplex Credible into it, but that's blocked and Sandman takes a nutshot. However, Credible runs at the Sandman, and takes a sweet hiptoss into the table. Rhino comes in, and spears Sandman into the table. Corkscrew tombstone piledriver, 1, 2, 3 as the ref just so happens to wake up now, as he could have pinned Credible after the hiptoss at 7 minutes and 15 seconds.
Winner: Justin Credible
After the match, Rhino attacks the Sandman. Tommy Dreamer then comes down and attacks Credible and fends off Rhino. DDT on Rhino, with Joey Styles heavily hyping the Pay Per View. Jazz comes down with coils of Barbed wire, and hands one to Dreamer. Dreamer then puts one on the canvas, and goes for a piledriver on Credible. BAM! However, Credible isn't hardcore here, as Dreamer took the whole Barbed wire in his ass, where it sticks when he tries to stand up. Jazz poses with Dreamer to end this show.
@That's all for ECW day. Tomorrow, according to the schedule, I will have the Show of the Week, and my Bash at the Beach predictions. I like this schedule, as it's keeping giving me a much clearer mind when I write. Be sure to check out the Backyard BBQ for the new Message Board that I just added, along with other great Backyard stuff.
Phat Pharm: A Very Special Edition of "Bad Tito" is now up, with a Heartwarming interview with Jaymz! It's a must read!!! Click Here to enter the Pharm!
Take Care, and Thanks for Reading.