Before we start...bear in mind that I'm not a great graphics maker, nor do I proclaim to be one. So excuse me if the images used here look really crazy. But I gave them my best effort.....
FIREWORKS EVERYWHERE!!!!
Jim Ross: Welcome everyone to the Tito Dome, in Titoville, Ohio!!! We are in front of a maximum capacity crowd, gearing up for the 3 tier cage match for the PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I am joined here by LordsofPain.net columnist, Mr. Tito.
Mr. Tito: Yes, we've got a hot crowd, and a hot match folks, as Big and Bad Al Gore will take on the Cheerful and Always smiling George W. Bush. They will do battle to see who will be the NEXT President of the United States of America. Since the races are tight, they will do battle to see who will be the better man! Good God, it's going to get violent!
Jim Ross: Let's go to the backstage area where the Presidential hopefuls will tell us their "agendas" for the match. We go back to Tony Shiavone, the one who carried my bags today, with the Republican hopeful George W. Bush.
Tony Shiavone: Thanks Jim Ross, ya dirty....ahem. We are running out of time! Oh wait, we have George W. Bush here, and he has a little something to say.....
George W. Bush: Thanks Tony, the American people, and to anyone who LOVES to see me smile. You know something brother?!?! I've spent a good 1 and a half years of NOT being a Governor of Texas for this moment baby! I believe in the American Dream....not Dusty Rhodes, but just the "way of life" that I'm thinking of. Wait a second....
*George W. gets off camera and talks to his Father and Slim Cheney for advice*
George W. Bush: Fuzzy numbers...yeah, that's right! Gore thinks he'll beat me with Fuzzy Numbers, because he's an asshole....ooops! Was that caught on tape?
Tony Shiavone: I don't pay attention to what's being broadcasted.....
George W. Bush: I don't pay attention to the issues, so what does it matter? My nice guy attitude is going to defeat Gore, no matter how much experience he has! Whoooo!! Just wait until I reveal my HUGE finishing move.....the Death Penalty! You want to know why I'm going to defeat Gore? Because I have SURPLUS power behind me, and that will SOLVE all of my problems.
Tony Shiavone: Ummmmm, what if there is no surplus to work with?
*Again, Bush goes to his Father and Dick Cheney for more advice*
George W. Bush: Gore wants a big Government!! I don't!! It's a difference of opinion!! PARTY ON!!!!!!!
*Bush leaves the area*
Tony Shiavone: Well, there you have it. I'm going back to Australia to avoid any more of this crap. Back to you Jimmy!
Jim Ross: We now go back in the back, where Al Gore is with our own Michael Cole.
Michael Cole: Thanks J.R. I appreciate you much more than Tony. Anyway, we are back here with Al Gore. What do you have to say about your match tonight?
Al Gore: GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I'm gonna rip Bush's head off, and shove it up his......ummm, did I mention that his taxes only cover the WEALTHIEST 1% of the United States?
Michael Cole: I believe you did several....
Al Gore: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I SAID THAT!!! Why? Because I reek of awesomeness! Because I'm the 2 time, 2 time, 2 time Vice President of the United States of America. You don't like that, I'll hit you in the head with a lockbox! How do you like that Michael Cole?
Michael Cole: Ummm....
Al Gore: Know YOUR ROLE, and SHUT your mouth! As the Vice President, I'm that DAMN good! Whatcha gonna do when Al Gore bores all over you.
Michael Cole: You know, that could mean a few things....
Al Gore: *sighs* I invented pro-wrestling, if you didn't know that. I'm off to DESTROY that punk Bush. GRRRRR!!
*Al Gore leaves for the ring..*
Michael Cole: Back to you guys....no wait, Vince Russo is heading my way.
Vince Russo: You listen here Michael Cole....I made you, just like I continually claim that I made the WWF successful again. Let me tell everyone something.... It's been my DREAM to be the President of the United States of American, and nothing can stop me from attaining my goal. NOTHING!!!
Jim Ross: Oh dear lord. Not another bag carrier here. I already have one of them(Tony) here, so why do I need another?
Take It hits on the speakers, and the Insane Clown Posse comes out! They head to the announcers' booth, and put on headsets....they now claim to be 3D and Guido.
3D: Hello Mr. Burito and Slim Hoss. The single greatest announcers have arrived to call the WORST match in the history of all Juggalos.
Guido: Not only is it the worst match, it's going to be the most painful match to watch. I don't know about you, but I'd rather see the Juggalo Championshit Title on the line.
Mr. Tito: Oh dear lord. Nothing like being in the same area as these 'clowns'. Have any records go platinum lately?
Jim Ross: Now let's not be fighting here. We gotta call this match. The rules of this match are that the "presidency" is at the very top of the 3rd tier cage, where either Bush or Gore would have to climb up to get it. Go rent Ready to Rumble for what this is. DO NOT rent Slamboree 2000!!!!
Time for the match. Boogie Man by White Zombie from the Crow 2 Soundtrack hits, and Al Gore comes down.
Mr. Tito: Holy cow, look at that lack of charisma! Where is Steve Blackman when you need him?
Rhinestone Cowboy hits, and George W. Bush comes out, with a BIG smile on his face.
Mr. Tito: This guy reminds me of Justin Credible...lots of charisma, but NO talent whatsoever!
George W. enters the cage, but he's met by Al Gore. Gore gives Bush a HUGE big boot of doom. Bush is now groggy, already, and Gore sets his head up by the cage door. WHAM! Gore slams that door on Bush's head, with the middle class Americans in the crowd giving him a HUGE pop.
Jim Ross: Ouch, that's gotta hurt! This Gore guy just might be too powerful in this wrestling match. He's certainly more qualified to win.
Mr. Tito: You're damn right. Sort of reminds me of Ric Flair taking that cage door shot from Curt Hennig at Fall Brawl 1997.
3D: I believe that move was the Oriental cage door slam from hell, what do you think Guido?
Guido: You are wrong my comrad. It's the Aggressive cage door crusher.
Mr. Tito: Could we make any more sense here?!?
Back to the match. Al Gore picks up the hurt George W., and takes him to the ring. While in the ring, Gore gives Bush a NASTY powerbomb. And another...and another! Gore gets cocky, and starts taunting the Texas fans in the crowd.
Al Gore: Yeah, your Environmental rules suck Texas! You bunch of One Percenters!!
While Gore tries accuse Bush of being a bad Governor, Bush somehow finds a way to start moving again. Bush sneaks up to Gore, and hits him in the nuts!
Jim Ross: You gotta hand it to this kid. Bush has a lot of heart and determination to be President of the United States!
3D: I believe that was not a cheapshot to the nuts, but a deathclaw to the sack of rocks.
Guido: I'm sorry to correct you, but that was not a deathclaw to the sack of rocks, but a Japanese thrust to the private portion of the Homosapian.
Mr. Tito: What the hell are you two talking about? Oh wait...you guys brought some Faygo...hey, nevermind what I said. Pass me the Orange stuff. :)
Bush bounces off the ropes, and hits a FLYING clothesline. Bush is very confident, just as he is when he looks at the current polls, and he signals to the crowd for his move the "Death Penalty", or whatever that is. He sets up Gore for what looks to be the "Roll the Dice"....oh wait, it's the "Spin Doctor"....no wait just a second.. it's the "Last Rites".. Whatever it is, that's the Death Penalty, as you can add Bush to the list of the guys "claiming" to have came up with this move. However, as Bush tries this, Gore picks him up and Tombstones his ass into the mat!
Guido: Hal Snore just hit the inverted head crusher on More Busch.
3D: No, no, no. Sal Bore hit Forge Brush with the head first inverted and twisted cranium slam.
Mr. Tito: Mmmmmm, Faygo.
Jim Ross: Would you just call the damn match?? You guys just sound like WCW announcers with your talk about nothing.
Mr. Tito: Don't you do the same exact thing though, and then try to go crazy after the match you do it in to cover your ass?
3D and Guido: Yeah!!
Jim Ross: Ummmmm, back to the match. It looks like Al Gore is going to the outside of the cage, and oh my God, he's going to climb to the top. By the way, what will happen with the Rattlesnake, Steve Austin, tonight? Ooops! Tito and ICP busted me already on my errors, so back to the match. Gore seems to be climbing, with Bush starting to show signs of life again.
Gore makes it up to the top, thanks in part to the 1% body fat on his body. However, Bush immediately climbs up there to meet him. The determination of Bush is what's doing it, and it catches Gore by surprise. Gore grabs him, and just slams him into the walls of the second cage. Bush then gives Gore the thumb to the eye, which staggers Gore enough for Bush to jump on his back. Somehow, it takes Gore down. They are now rolling on top of the cage, and getting dangerously close to edge, right above the announcers' table.
Mr. Tito: I think we should move out of the way now, just so we don't get crushed like the classic Spanish announcing team used to.
Jim Ross: Good idea.
Bush and Gore roll around some more, throwing a punch here and there. These two are really fighting for this victory, as they have been for the past year. The crowd support is close to 50/50 in this arena, and both guys feel they are worthy of being President. Oh the drama. As they roll around some more, they fall off the edge of the cage. BOOM! They fall on the announcers' table, and they completely destroy it. Both competitors are now out cold, and so are ICP, who both Tito and Jim Ross forgot to tell to move.
Jim Ross: OH DAMN! OH DAMN!! They've just destroyed themselves and ICP at the same time! How will this match continue???
Mr. Tito: I don't know, but this could mean that Slim Dick Cheney and Joe Lieber(man, he's in the PTC) could come down and try to win it. Oh wait, we have just been told that something has happened in the back.
Both Joe Lieberman and Dick Cheney are out cold! Who on earth did this? Back to the arena, and we hear Do the Evolution by Pearl Jam on the speakers! Out comes Ralph Nader!!!!
Mr. Tito: Holy cow! Now that the Democrats and Republicans are eliminated, it's easy pickens for the Green Party! They don't even need any Vote-trader sites to win, or just Americans overseeing the potential for a 3rd party candidate!
Jim Ross: Yeah, this kid has potential. Too bad he's been held back from shining, but tonight, in this very arena, he's going to become President of the United States of America!
However, Ironman by Black Sabbath hits....it's Vince Russo!! With a baseball bat in hand, he charges after Nader and takes him out!! Vince Russo grabs the mic, and he's ready to "shoot".
Vince Russo: Now you can ask Ralph Nader, Joe Lieberman, and Dick Cheney who is Batman. They shouldn't mess with the guy who eliminated Hulk Hogan from the business, let alone the man who was COMPLETELY responsible for the WWF's success. It's my dream to become President of the United States, and I'm worthy since I was the one responsible for this great economy. The Welfare Reform...yes, that was me. How about this lower unemployment rate? My doing again!
Crowd boos heavily since this is the Tito Colosseum..plus, there are only a few out there who really love Vince Russo.
Vince Russo: As the President, I'll run this country just like I did WCW...
Mr. Tito: What? Into the ground?
Vince Russo: It's my dream to be President, and I'll now make it true by attempting to climb this cage to the very top, for the Presidency of the United States of America.
CRASH!! Austin's Old Theme Song hits, and NOT that garbage Disturbed one, and the crowd is silent. Remember what arena we are in. However, Austin runs up to Russo, KICK WHAM STUNNER(Credit: Scott Keith for that Austin move name), and the crowd goes crazy. Not for Austin, but for the fact that Russo just got lit up!
Steve Austin: Does anybody have a beer for Steve Austin???
Crowd goes silent, and no beer is given. To save him from embarassment, Rikishi Phatu has hijacked a beertruck, and he's currently shown on the Titotron, ramming Austin's truck. Austin runs to the back to save the day.
Mr. Tito: Now who on earth will be president now???
No Chance..... Vince McMahon arrives, all oiled up like he usually is when trying to show his muscles off to WCW.
Vince McMahon: Just like I'm going to rule wrestling, I'm going to rule the world! I'm the genetic jackhammer baby!!
As Vince approaches the cage, Jeff Jarrett comes out of no where, and JACKS McMahon with a Guitar!!
Jeff Jarrett: Just like you've ruined my opportunity to do well in the WWF by letting fools like Jim Ross and Steve Austin play politics, I just ruined your opportunity to be President, slapass!
Jeff Jarrett tries to climb the cage now, and then....Razor Ramon music hits, and Scott Hall arrives! However, while walking down the stage, he was arrested for being Scott Hall on a Tuesday Night. Ouch! Diesel Blues hits the speakers, and Kevin Nash now tries to come out. Oh God, those knees are just too banged up, and he's unable to make it to the ring. Aww, too bad. Looks like the "Chosen One" will be the president!
Search and Destroy hits, and Sting arrives from the ceiling! He hops on the top of the first cage, and kicks Jarrett off the cage!
Mr. Tito: Could Sting be the next President of the United States??!? His many years of dedication to WCW might be paying off!
However, an odd spaceship or flying saucer of sorts, and it's FILLED with Black Scorpions! No, not the insect, but the embarassing gimmick that WCW tried for Sting's opponent in late 1990.
Mr. Tito: What the hell just happened? Damn Black Scorpion gimmick. Who is booking this match or event, Ole Anderson? (Click Here to learn more about the Scorpion gimmick or attempt by WCW).
Voodoo Child hits, and it's Hulk Hogan, coming out to prove why he wasn't lying in 1998 about running for President! Now that he's "shut out" from WCW, he can now persue it full time, right?
Jim Ross: Oh dear lord, I thought we were rid of him already. And to think, I had to call his worst victory ever at Wrestlemania 9, where he defeated the late Yokozuna in a shameful match.
HOWEVER, Bret Hart comes out of nowhere, and tackles Hogan. He then slaps Hogan in the sharpshooter, where he won't let go.
Bret Hart: Huh? How do you like that Hogan? It doesn't feel no where as bad as you screwing my career in WCW. All of you backstage politics in WCW, and your ignorance at the end of your WWF career never let us have a match together.
And out of the curtains, Mick Foley jumps out! He runs to cage, and immediately climbs it! However...the Nature Boy Ric Flair's music hits, and he runs to the cage as well. Both Foley and Flair are on separate sides of the cage, aiming for one goal: The Presidency of the United States of America.
Make no mistake though...these two are out for blood! If you've read Mick Foley's book, you'll know that Cactus Jack wasn't too appreciative to Ric Flair's booking style back in the early 1990s for WCW. Foley felt underused and unappreciated by Flair. Ric Flair probably felt that Mick still had a lot to learn in the business, therefore not pushing him.
They are both now in the second part of the cage, and they are climbing. They both know it will be a battle at the top, and with their past "commissioner" experience within federations, they feel they could be a great president! They are both at the top of the second cage. Foley, with Socko in hand, charges at Flair and shoves his hand down Flair's throat. However, Flair won't give in. He's chopping away at Mick's chest, and the slaps can be heard all around the arena.
It's just brutal, but both guys are very determined! Flair is starting to wear down, while Mick just can't take any more chops. Both wrestling legends just can't take no more!!! This is just awfully brutal!
Mick Foley: This is for not pushing me, you old son of a bitch back in WCW.
Ric Flair: Ugh, now you hold on there Hardcore Boy! I knew that you could be a better wrestler elsewhere, instead of this ridiculous WCW federation in the early 1990s. Besides, I'm a wrestler and not a booker. Besides, look where you ended up. You are adored by children and fans everywhere, you have one of the best readable books out there, and you are making way more money as a WWF superstar than as a WCW wrestler.
Mick Foley: True, true. I should note that guys like Ole Anderson and Bill Watts have also ruined my career in WCW, along with the wonderful Eric Bischoff. Wow, now I see the light. As the modest man I am, I don't need to be president. As a WWF Superstar, I'm just as popular the President. Besides, we could use another 4 years of Stylin' and Profilin' in the White House.
Mick Foley climbs off the cage, and Ric Flair tries to climb to the top of the cage. However, in an odd turn of events, David Arquette comes out of the crowd and goes for the cage.
David Arquette: I'm Going to be President of the United States!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!! CALL ATT!!!!
However, Mr. Tito grabs Arquette off the cage and gives him a SPINNING TITO DRIVER, to ensure that Ric Flair will win the bout. Arquette is out, and Ric Flair is your NEW President of the United States of America.....not the CEO of the USA, but the President of the United States!
@Well, that's all for this wonderful election special PDC. This is mainly a joke, but it's NO joke when you don't vote this year. Please do so, because your vote can make a difference. It can help change the way you live, and if you don't vote, you'll be missing out on decision that affect YOU. Vote or lose out...that simple.
Just chill....till the next episode or PDC that comes your way....